Is Parenting Difficult!

Much can be learned about the tenor of parent-child relationships from our weekly Torah portion, but perhaps, most importantly how complex they are.

Very little is clear, even from the get-go. Eisav was named such by both of his parents; only Yitzhak gave Yaakov his name. It would seem that there was unanimity about the design for Eisav's life, if only embodied by his parents' joint decision to name his Eisav, because, on a grammatical level, he came out asui, fully-baked, ready to go, almost like a full-fledged, ruddy and hairy man. Yaakov was named, though, not after his appearance but rather his actions, the word akev meaning heel; Yaakov had grasped Eisav's heel, but nonetheless, it was Eisav who first left Rivka's womb.

As the years go on, their characters shape. Eisav is painted as an expert hunter, an unmatched skill in a hunter-gatherer society, where domestication was probably first taking root; it could very well be that this dominance over the natural kingdom bode very well for his being placed on a pedestal by Yitzhak.

The day came when Yitzhak felt his age was getting the better of him. His eyesight weakened, his senses dulled. He knew that Yaakov was an erudite man, cerebral, a tent-dweller, and yet, in his heart of hearts he had no doubt there was no doubt that Eisav was the man to carry on the Abrahamic blessing, and God's vision for a better world. Something about Yaakov was stymied, perhaps by passivity, or an inability to engage the world on a more consequential, or far-reaching level. Sort of like Kohelet (9:11) said, "It is not the wise who receive the bread," or, maybe in more universal terms, who "take home the bacon."

There's something embedded in our psyche – call it "survival of the fittest" – that looks for physical prowess, strength, muscularity, or even command over nature that more draws our attention. From male birds putting on a flamboyant show for a female suitor, or the peacocks dazzling wings, or animals, large and small fighting it out for the right to lead harem or herd, physical fitness is a very tempting and seductive draw, and has been from time immemorial. But, furthermore, Yitzhak thought a son who possessed those capacities was more primed for greatness.

What Rivka realized was that the inner strength of a man, and his gentle and nurturing presence – "and Yaakov was a man of simple tastes, a tent dweller" – could have a larger, and outsized impact than one who can flex his bow, and hunt prey, deceptively cornering them in the thicket or brush.

Yitzhak sought to taste in food the taste of the son designated for greatness (Rashi), which is what he did. And sure enough, by placing the goat skins on Yaakov's arms, Rivka presaged what was to come; in a sense, the clothes ultimately made the man. Yaakov's gentle voice took on epic proportions in his dealings with many an unscrupulous man in the home of Lavan, battling with an angel and ultimately facing his archnemesis, Eisav, and coming out unscathed.

Rivka presciently was able to better read the situation than Yitzhak, and Yaakov had the good sense to listen to his mother, not forsaking her motherly wisdom, and likewise receiving his father's blessing before setting out on a course of his own.